


After dark

by Porcelainduck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Sirius Black, Hogwarts Seventh Year, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Porcelainduck/pseuds/Porcelainduck
Summary: When Sirius had finally gotten to their compartment, mere minutes before the train was going to leave, their worries were brought to life.Sirius had barely contacted Remus over the summer, but his concerns weren't even nearly resolved once he saw him... quite the opposite in fact. But between Sirius' strange behaviour, and a rough full moon, Remus was finding it difficult to help.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 17
Kudos: 159





	After dark

**Author's Note:**

> Of all the Harry Potter series ships, Wolfstar _has_ to be my favourite, both to write and read. This is a little bit more _Sirius_ (pun absolutely intended) than what I usually write, but I wanted to write it none the less, so here it is, hope you enjoy :)

Ever since he’d gotten on the train, Remus knew there was something wrong with Sirius. He already knew that  _ something _ must’ve been up, he’d only received three letters over the whole six weeks, all of which were less than four sentences. James had apparently had a similar issue, which was even more worrying.

Every summer since they were twelve, Sirius had spent a significant amount of his summer holidays at the Potter’s, but according to James, he’d barely even owled him, let alone seen him.

When Sirius had finally gotten to their compartment, mere minutes before the train was going to leave, their worries were brought to life.

Sirius was paler than they’d ever seen him. Paler even than the first time Remus had seen him, eleven years old, full of twitchy excitement. No, this was far worse. His eyes were sunken, dark circles and heavy eyelids, his blueish silver eyes now an empty grey. A bruise ghosted the left side of his face, placed immaculately on his high cheek bone, clearly either old or attempted to be healed by someone without much experience with that kind of spell. He looked hollow, not just due to his apparent slenderness - which was far more extreme than when Remus had last seen him - but also by the lack of colour in his skin, the lack of unnecessary movement. He walked, he sat, he blinked; but nothing more. No smiles, no words, no nothing. Possibly the worst part about it was how put together he looked. His hair was neatly brushed, lightly slicked back, not a strand out of place. He wore a navy blue tailored suit, nothing in any way eye-catching or flashy, just expensive and plain. This wasn’t Sirius. This was a shell of a man who’d been sculpted by (what appeared to be) brute force into something his parents could call a son.

All three boys in the cabin stared at him. No one dared speak, they just looked from Sirius to each other, none quite sure what was the right thing to do in the situation. Eventually, Peter was the first to do something.

“Sirius,” Peter said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. “are you alright?”

The second Peter’s hand made contact with Sirius, Sirius flinched away from him, his face filling with fear. Peter instantly retracted his hand, looking worriedly at James, who was staring as a slightly shaking Sirius. Remus was watching Sirius too, but he somehow looked calmer than the others. Every bone in his body wanted Sirius to be okay, wanted him to be back to normal, but he knew that appearing worried wouldn’t help; right now he needed to be reassuring.

“Padfoot, hey, it’s okay.” Remus spoke in almost a whisper, so softly that he wouldn’t be surprised if Sirius couldn’t hear him. “You’re safe now, it’s alright, you’re safe.”

A second or so passed where Remus wasn’t sure if Sirius had heard, until he slowly turned his head and looked at Remus. He looked him right in the eyes, further, as if searching for something. Remus let him, he let Sirius take as long as he needed to find whatever it was. 

When the train started moving, everyone jolted a little in their seats, and Remus accidentally broke eye contact. When he looked back, Sirius was looking into nothing again, so far away from everyone and everything else that there wasn’t much point in trying to do anything, at least not here.

Remus knew Sirius needed to cry, but he would never cry on the train, not where anyone could see him. No, he’d cry in the toilets or in the dorm when no one was there, he’d cry under the covers of his bed after having a nightmare. He wouldn’t cry in front of anyone else, or at least, he pretended he didn’t. If Remus ever noticed the slight sobs in the middle of the night, or the ragged breathing from outside the door, he’d go over to Sirius. He liked being held. Touch starved was an understatement, and usually Sirius would take any opportunity to get as close to sitting in someone’s lap as possible (or even just sit in their lap). Usually. Everything was wrong today, and Remus was sure (judging by how much they’d gotten over the summer) that it had been bad for a while.

***

By the time they’d gotten to Hogwarts it was at least somewhat better. They’d all changed, including Sirius, who looked a lot more normal in his school robes, which were large enough to mask his clear weight loss. Remus just  _ for once _ wished that Sirius would take a leaf out of James’ book and ruffle his hair a little. Seeing Sirius with gelled hair felt like a disgrace to how perfect his hair looked on its own, how it always fell gracefully to his shoulders, locks effortlessly brushing against his chiselled features. Like this he looked… well, like his brother. 

Remus was half tempted to tell Sirius that he didn’t have to go to the feast, that he’d sit in the dorm with him instead, but then again maybe a distraction would help. The feast was always fun. Sirius and James would always start brainstorming ideas for pranks, and he and Peter would chat about classes and how they thought they’d do this year.

Almost as expected, Sirius wasn’t his usual self at the feast. He and James were usually the loudest to cheer at the sorting ceremony, welcoming new Gryffindors with open arms. This year however, he didn’t even look their way when the excited first years sat at the end of the table.

Sirius barely ate. Remus alone seemed to notice this, due to Sirius’ almost expert level skills at pretending to be eating. He’d put a small dollop of mash on his plate, doused it with gravy, then managed to shift it around his plate with his fork in such a way that made it look as if he’d been eating for the past hour. 

Every now and again, Remus looked over Sirius’ shoulder to see Regulus looking concernedly at Sirius. This might’ve been a comfort to Remus, if he didn’t know how distant the brothers had become in the last few years. It was a shame really, since Regulus had started attending Hogwarts four years ago, Sirius had become further from his brother. This hadn’t been apparent to Remus, until one night in fifth year when, after a nightmare, Sirius had told Remus, with his head buried in his chest, how much he missed his brother. He’d said that James was like a brother to him of course, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t still miss when it was him and Reg against the world.

That was a night that Remus had replayed in his head more times than he’d like to admit. It wasn’t the first time he’d climbed into Sirius’ bed after a nightmare, and it wasn’t the last, but it was the first time Sirius spoke to him about it. It was the first time that they didn’t just lie there, Remus knowing that proximity to a friend was enough to help Sirius, it was the first time Remus got into the bed and Sirius hugged him close. It had been a shock at first, but Sirius was upset, and he wouldn’t have made a fuss even if he wasn’t. Sirius often hugged him or sat on him, but until that point, when Sirius was upset he always tended to shy away from human contact. Sirius still did, but not from Remus. When he was upset he wouldn’t  _ not _ accept a hug, but if it was Remus he would cling on like a koala.

Remus couldn’t help but wonder what would happen now if he touched Sirius. If the way Sirius looked hadn’t done it, the way he’d cowered when Peter touched him was enough to terrify Remus. Whatever his parents had done to him over the summer, it was far worse than anything they’d done before. He was too scared. Too scared to try, and get the same reaction as Peter got. Too scared because, apart from everything else, he hated feeling scary. 

When they were in first year, and James, Peter, and Sirius had found out about his  _ furry little problem _ , James had been the first to smile reassuringly, Peter had been the first to pat him on the back, and Sirius had been the first to speak; and he’d told him that he was the least scary person he knew. Every day before a full moon, Sirius had managed to find a new reason to justify his claims. “You’re addicted to chocolate.” or “You wear reading glasses.” or his personal favourite, which had occurred in the middle of the night in sixth year, when Remus had thought that Sirius was asleep “I’m sorry, but no one can be both scary  _ and _ that cute.” which had caused Remus not to be able to fall asleep at all that night. Sometimes he thought he might’ve imagined the last one, but Sirius had sounded sleepy, and he was almost certain that Sirius hadn’t meant to even say it aloud. Either way, the thought of Sirius’ face full of fear, and because of  _ him _ was too much for him to risk an attempt.

***

The feast ended, and James, as head boy, was one of the first (along with the prefects) to leave. Peter left fairly quickly too, since he’d been whining about needing the toilet for the past hour, and couldn’t be more glad when the feast was over. People started drifting out of the hall, but Sirius stayed seated, seemingly unaware of his surroundings.

When the hall was nearly empty, Remus decided he had to say something.

“Hey, Padfoot,” he said softly, leaning slightly towards Sirius as he did so “the feast is over, we should probably leave.”

Sirius blinked a few times then looked dazedly up at Remus, before snapping out of his thoughts.

“Oh, right, of course, sorry.” He muttered as he got to his feet and began to walk out.

They got to the common room fairly late, Sirius had been walking slowly, carefully, which considering he usually had to jog to keep up with Remus and his long legs on a good day, meant taking a while to get there. All of the first years had already gone to their dorms, and there were very few people still in the common room.

Once they got to the dorm, James and Peter were already sorting through their suitcases.

“Took you two long enough.” James said the second they walked in. “Thought you’d gotten lost.” He joked.

“Yeah, six years and you’d think you’d learn.” Peter added, chucking a pair of pyjama bottoms onto his bed.

Neither Remus nor Sirius replied. Remus just rolled his eyes and began rifling through his suitcase like the other two. Sirius however simply opened his suitcase, took out a towel and his pyjamas and went into the bathroom.

“At least he’s keeping clean.” James said, once they heard the shower begin to run.

“I’d rather he spoke, I just want to know what’s up with him.” Peter sounded worried, but also genuinely as if he had no idea what was going on.

James threw a pair of socks at Peter’s head. “It’s his family, idiot.”

“Yeah well, it might not be!” Peter defended, throwing the socks back, and missing James completely.

“Come on Wormtail, keep up, it’s always his family…” James’ lip twitched and he glanced over at Remus for half a second. “Or Moony.”

“Stop it now, just because we both like guys doesn’t mean we like  _ each other _ .” Remus stated, for what felt like the hundredth time since he’d told them he was bi about a year and a half ago.

Sirius had told them, or rather shouted, that he was gay in fourth year, not that anyone was too surprised. Remus however had seemed to come as a slight shock, especially to Sirius, who had been possibly slightly  _ too _ happy. Thus causing the whole joke. Remus wished he could believe that what James said was true, but that day, he’d come to realise, Sirius was only happy because he probably just didn’t like feeling alone in anything. Not that Marlene and Dorcas hadn’t been dating since the start of fifth year, but Remus figured that Sirius probably just felt more comfortable in a group of friends where he didn’t feel like the only one.

“I’ll stop it when Sirius stops treating you like his own personal headrest.” James jeered.

Remus huffed and went back to his bag, knowing that what James said was at least somewhat true, Sirius was definitely more affectionate with him than anyone else, despite being actually closer to James.

Seeing Sirius walking out of the shower had always been a blessing and a curse, but today it was even moreso. It was such a relief to see him with at least semi-normal hair, that it almost outweighed how thin he looked in his pyjamas.  _ Almost _ . Eventually, Remus decided it was a blessing, because somehow the time he’d had in the shower had given him some life back.

His towel was slung over his shoulder, and he was rubbing his hair with it with one hand.

“I know you guys were talking about me.” Sirius said coolly as he wandered across the room. “I am, after all, far too fit  _ not to _ .” And he tossed his damp towel at James before collapsing onto his bed.

“Merlin Padfoot, any need?” James tried to sound offended, but they were all so relieved to see Sirius back to mostly normal that it didn’t have half the bite intended.

Remus couldn’t help but be a little concerned however. It was almost as if Sirius had suddenly appeared as too much. He  _ knew _ Sirius couldn’t have gotten over whatever it was that quickly, and his narcissistic jokes were an obvious sign.

Of course, Sirius knew he was attractive.  _ Everyone _ knew Sirius was attractive. And Sirius wouldn’t let you forget it. But he only ever did it as a defense mechanism. Remus knew that Sirius was an insecure person, so he used the one good thing he thought about himself to shove in people’s faces whenever he felt… well, scared. And right now, Sirius was more scared than Remus had ever seen him.

***

That night, Remus noticed Sirius was having a nightmare. He got up and slowly walked over to Sirius' bed, crouching next to it.

"Sirius," He whispered, hoping it would be enough to wake him up. It wasn't. " _ Sirius _ , wake up." He tried, a little louder. 

He didn't want to touch Sirius to wake him, he was worried it might make things worse, but luckily he didn't need to.

Sirius woke up, gasping for air, shaking uncontrollably, curled in a ball. This was Remus' cue, he slowly slipped into the bed, making as much effort as possible not to touch Sirius; he didn't want to make matters worse.

"Padfoot, it's okay." Remus reasurredly whispered. "You'll be okay."

Sirius rolled over to look at Remus. The dorm room was dark, but the faint light from the half moon outside was enough to show Remus the expression on Sirius' face. 

His eyes were wide, brows furrowed. He was breathing through his mouth, short, sharp breaths, but ones that were slowly steadying. For a second, Remus thought Sirius was going to speak, but then his face scrunched up and he leaned right into Remus' shoulder. He began to sob. 

Remus moved so that he could properly hold Sirius. He knew by now, the way to hold him the closest in a way that he could sustain as long as necessary. He lay on his side, tucking Sirius' head under his chin, and putting one arm underneath it to cushion his head. The other arm he wrapped around Sirius' torso, rubbing comforting circles into Sirius' upper back. He didn't care that they'd probably fall asleep like this, that James would see and tease all day, as long as Sirius was okay nothing much else mattered.

***

As expected, as the sun rose, so did James; and with it came him waking up the whole castle with how loud he was. He was seemingly incapable of not tripping over his suitcase every morning (at 5am), crashing on the floor, and shouting profanities at his stubbed toe. Somehow, the only person ever woken by that particular display was Remus, who groaned in complaint. That was a mistake.

“Morning Moony.” James hadn’t even needed to look to see who made the noise; both Peter and Sirius were heavy sleepers and probably wouldn’t even wake up if there was a firework display outside the window. “I see you’re with Padfoot again, well, what can I say? I told you so.”

Remus just huffed. He couldn’t be bothered with James’ teasing, he just wanted to relish the fact that Sirius was asleep in his arms. The fact that Sirius was calm and safe, and for now, he was okay. 

He knew that lying with Sirius like this didn’t do him any good. The fact that he could smell his hair, feel his breathing and body heat, all things that would take forever to get out of his head (if he ever got them out at all). It was a weird kind of twisted torture for Remus, the ability to be so close while Sirius was so painfully untouchable.

Remus knew that if he got up now, Sirius would wake up. Sure, Sirius could sleep through loud noise, but physical disturbance got him up as quick as a flash. For that reason he stayed there. He could tell Sirius needed the sleep, and they didn’t actually need to wake up until another two hours from now (James woke up early to do his homework in the mornings). So, Remus decided he should go back to sleep. Remus never had any trouble sleeping in the light, but he did have trouble sleeping when Sirius kept rubbing his face into his chest.  _ This _ was something that not even awake Sirius would do. He would sit on Remus, he would hug him, he would literally hang off him, he’d even sleep in the same bed for Merlin’s sake, but nuzzling into him somehow was always a step too far. The only time he’d even press his face into him was when he was crying, which was understandable, but he never did anything like this. Remus just had to keep reminding himself that Sirius was asleep, that Sirius would never  _ actually _ do this. 

Luckily, or maybe not, Remus hadn’t had much sleep that night anyway, since he’d never really fallen asleep until he’d known Sirius was okay. That meant that even with all the distraction, Remus was eventually able to fall back to sleep.

***

The next few days passed, and everything was mostly back to normal. Mostly. Remus noticed the bruise on Sirius’ face getting worse, meaning it had only been concealed by magic, and not healed; with the magic wearing off and displaying a black and purple smudge that stretched to his eye. 

He wasn’t acting  _ too _ differently to the usual. He was less disruptive in classes, and barely ate at meals, but he maintained a certain swagger that distracted most people from the worst of it. The worst of it being breakfast.

Every day at breakfast, Sirius would have an owl that would drop him a letter; and every breakfast he’d slip it into his pocket and pretend nothing had happened, not even opening the letter to read it.

“It’s nothing, really.” Sirius insisted on the fourth day this had happened. “It’s stupid, basically just spam.”

It was pointless arguing. Remus knew he was lying, but he also knew how stubborn Sirius was. Even when he’d basically caught Sirius hiding his newest letter away in the bottom of his trunk, Sirius just ran a hand through his silky hair coolly and pretended nothing had happened.

Despite everything, Remus decided to leave it. As far as he knew, Sirius wasn’t getting any worse, so if he didn’t want to talk about it, Remus wasn’t going to make him. Sirius wasn’t getting any worse… But he wasn’t getting any better either.

It had been two weeks, and Sirius still was barely eating. The letters kept arriving, and Sirius kept hiding them away. The bruise on his face was basically gone, but he was still too reserved, too tense, too scared. 

Remus was lying awake in bed. It was late, really late, but he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting over to the pained boy in the bed opposite his own. In all fairness, it wasn’t unheard of for him to not sleep the night before the full moon, but this was different. He wasn’t awake because of the ache of his bones or the throbbing in his head, he was awake through worry.

He rolled over, hoping that if he closed his eyes tight enough the images of Sirius on the train that first day would evaporate. Instead he heard a sound. The creak of a bed, the sound of footsteps, clothes being moved, then footsteps again, followed by the gentle open and close of the door. He opened his eyes and sat up. James was fast asleep to his left, snoring softly as he clung onto the corner of a blanket that had mostly fallen off his bed. To his right was Peter, mouth open and dribbling onto his pillow, covered in about five heavy blankets that wrapped around him like a cocoon. And in the bed opposite him, nothing. Sirius had snuck out. Remus had half a mind to follow him, but the second he’d sat up his head had started to spin, and even if it hadn’t, Sirius could have gone virtually anywhere.

***

The full moon that month had been rough on Remus. Really rough in fact. So much so that even Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs had to leave not half an hour after the transformation. Full moons hadn’t been this rough on Remus since he was thirteen (something about the mix of new teen hormones and werewolf seemed to react badly), and he’d even gained a new visible scar.

Remus only counted a scar as visible if it was on his hands, neck, or face, since those were the least easy to cover with clothes. This time, he had a large scar running from his jaw to the centre of his chest (along with a few other minor ones on his back and legs). 

Remus always called them scars, even when they were still relatively fresh. There was no point in thinking about how recent they all were compared to one another. This one however was particularly problematic. It was deep, so much so that he had been only half an hour or so away from bleeding out when he’d been sent to the hospital wing for recovery. Of course, it was quite an easy fix, but still one that needed two days rest before going back to classes.

Much to Remus’ relief, he had been allowed to spend the second day recovering in his own bed in the dorm. He’d always hated the hospital wing. He hated being fussed over , he hated the visiting rules, he hated the intense smell of cleanness and strange potions. Even after all the time he’d spent there, he could never quite get used to it. 

***

Remus’ instructions to rest weren’t ones to be taken lightly. Even when he was allowed back to class, he had still been given strict instructions to go to bed straight after dinner, and to not get up unless absolutely necessary until breakfast the next day. Remus wished he didn’t need to abide by these restrictions, but even he had to admit that by the end of a full day of classes, the pains in his chest would become rather a lot to handle.

It annoyed Remus even more, for that reason, when Sirius continued to sneak out every night. He didn’t want to ask him about it, he knew that would just make Sirius close up even more, he just wanted to know where he was going, what he was doing. He knew Sirius wouldn’t get caught. He was sneaky, and light on his feet, but wherever he was going, whatever he was doing, it couldn’t be good.

***

A week passed, and Remus was finally told he could go back to normal again. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t have made much difference to his life. Reading in an armchair in the common room instead of while lying on his bed wouldn’t change much, but that wasn’t what he’d been thinking about. Tonight he would be able to go after Sirius.

And that he did. He lay awake in bed, waiting for the familiar rustles of Sirius’ bedsheets. The door creaked and closed - Remus’ cue to get up. Remus had to admit it, there were a couple perks of his condition. Heightened senses, unusual strength, but here what was useful was the slight ability to see in the dark. It wasn’t  _ amazing _ , but it enabled him to not trip over anything on his way to his trunk, and again out of the room after putting on the nearest jumper. He didn’t know where Sirius went every night, but he knew that in early October, anywhere unoccupied in the castle would be fairly cold.

By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw the common room door just closing. He wasn’t far behind Sirius, thankfully, and hopefully he’d be able to keep enough of a distance for Sirius not to notice him.

Remus wished he didn’t have to do this, but he knew that unless he ‘caught Sirius in the act’ so to speak, Sirius would never even admit anything was going on.

As Remus followed Sirius through the castle, down from Gryffiondor tower, all the way out into the courtyard, and further still into a secluded corner of the grounds, he wondered what made Sirius fidget so much. He kept taking his hands in and out of the large pockets of his black leather jacket, as if there was something precious inside. Every corner that Sirius turned, and Remus lost sight of him, he seemed slightly more ruffled. They’d walked all the way around to the back of the castle where students never really ventured. There wasn’t much point, there was nothing there. No benches, no path, not even and rocks to sit on. That didn’t stop Sirius from stopping there and leaning his back against the castle wall, not even caring about the ivy that trailed vaguely up the cold stone. 

The moon was thin in the sky, and the stars barely shed any light on the ground, as Sirius slid down the wall to sit. Remus was standing, half hiding behind a curve in the stone walls, making sure not to move too suddenly or make too much noise, else Sirius might spot him.

He watched as Sirius drew something out of his right hand pocket. Two somethings actually. The first was a box of cigarettes, the second, a muggle lighter. Sirius got out a cigarette, lit it with ease, and took a long drag on it, slumping further against the wall. This wasn’t exactly unexpected behaviour. Sirius was known to involve himself in muggle culture, if only to annoy his parents, and it wasn’t as if smoking was off-brand for Sirius, it just pained Remus to see him doing it. And doing it with such ease, such familiarity.

Remus was about to go up to him, tell him to stop, when Sirius reached into his other pocket and pulled something else out. A perfectly sealed letter. It was almost instantly obvious to Remus what it was, it was a letter from breakfast. He’d had so many by now that Remus knew exactly what they looked like, and this was unmistakably one of them. Fairly small and folded neatly, sealed with purple wax and a crest that Remus didn’t recognise. He watched as Sirius broke the seal and carefully unfolded the letter, handling the paper as if it were made of glass. Sirius began to read it, and as he did, he reached into his pocket again with his spare hand and drew out the lighter. His cigarette was between his teeth and he inhaled deeply before finishing reading the letter and setting the parchment alight.

Remus wasn’t sure what to do. He’d found Sirius. He’d found what he had been doing. But now that he knew, he wasn’t sure what the best move was. He could leave, and never raise the subject, pretend this had never happened; but Remus hated lying to his friends, especially Sirius. He could approach Sirius, sit with him, but  _ then what _ ? He could leave, then talk to Sirius about it another time, during the day when they had both had some sleep and could both act like rational people - or at least, Remus could.

Sirius got another letter out of his pocket, and Remus was about to leave, deciding that talking would be best; and talking during the day at that. Even when the moon was a waning crescent, it still seemed to creep under Remus’ skin, making him want to lose himself to the animal inside him. Even though tonight was cloudy, mostly keeping the moon out of sight - and subsequently out of mind - it was easier not to risk it. If the clouds parted and he began to growl (or worse even, howl), there would be no sneaking away quietly.

Of course, that was the moment Sirius looked to his right, making direct eye contact with a suddenly stunned Remus. He froze, unsure whether Sirius could actually see him, or whether he’d simply heard something in the darkness, and was looking in his direction. Sirius turned back to the letter, and for a moment, Remus thought he was safe. Unfortunately, wishful thinking is only ever that.

“No point in hiding Moony,” Sirius spoke clearly, but more as if talking to the letter than to Remus. “I’ve already seen you.” Sirius looked over at him then, cocking his head to one side and removing the cigarette from his mouth with his middle and index finger. “I wonder what you think of me now.” Sirius’s voice was cool, almost challenging Remus to judge him; but his hands shook and the smirk on his face was more of a grimace than a smile.

Remus stepped out from behind his not-so-great hiding spot and furrowed his brow, looking down at Sirius slumped against the wall. “What I think of you?”

“Yes Moony.” Sirius tilted his head back lazily and stared up at the barely visible stars. “Are you disappointed in me yet?”

“What?”

Sirius laughed too loudly, looking back at Remus’ confused face. “You’re the only one left.” He pulled a small-ish vial out of an inside pocket of his jacket, and took a swig before returning it to his jacket.

“Pads, are you drunk?”

Sirius laughed again. “Not drunk enough.”

“Do you want some company?” Remus hoped he’d say yes. He couldn’t just leave Sirius like this, he  _ couldn’t _ . So when Sirius shrugged and patted the ground next to him, he was more than happy enough to join him.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Sirius had folded his letter and put it back in his pocket, but had continued to smoke, much to Remus’ dismay. He hadn’t said anything about it, but he was sure Sirius had picked up on his distaste towards it.

Eventually, Sirius broke the silence. “You never answered my question.” 

“What question?”

Sirius turned his head to look at Remus, Remus wanted to look away - their faces were so close - but there was a mischief in Sirius’ grin that made him stay there. He regretted it almost immediately when Sirius blew smoke into his face and he recoiled, coughing and spluttering. “Merlin, Sirius! Uncalled for!”

“You hate it, don’t you?” Sirius took another long drag, but this time blew the smoke away from Remus.

“Of course I do, it’s awful.”

“Then I’ve done it.”

Remus faced him again, more confused than ever. “Done what?”

“I’ve disappointed everyone.” Sirius chuckled, taking the vial out of his jacket once again.

Remus caught his wrist on its way to Sirius’ mouth. “Hey,” His voice was stern, but gentle. “where’d that idea come from?”

“Well,” Sirius smiled coyly, removing the open letter from his pocket, and pointing at the third line down. “it says it right there, clear as day.”

The letter was hand written in long, slanting handwriting. It was somewhat difficult to read, but Remus had always been good at deciphering handwriting. The letter started with three simple words. 

_ My dear Sirius. _

Remus read the line Sirius was pointing at, hand shaking noticeably.

_ your disappointing actions continue to reflect poorly upon us all, your brother included. _

Remus furrowed his brow and took the letter from Sirius’ hand, wanting to read the letter in its entirety. Remus was surprised when Sirius didn’t complain, but looked over to see that Sirius was preoccupied with his drink, his wrist now free of Remus’ grasp.

Remus read the letter.

_ My dear Sirius. _

_ Your lack of a response thus far only shows your continued lack of respect for our family. I think you should know that your disappointing actions continue to reflect poorly upon us all, your brother included. We are unwilling to support any further actions as such, and would find it kind if you were to buck up your ideas. As I’ve said in many of my previous letters, we do not and will not tolerate someone such as you in our family. You are tarnishing the divine history of Black, and we will not stand for it. As your mother, I hold hope that you will take it upon yourself to stop these flights of fancy, and finally become the heir you were born to be. If you do not, I will be forced to contaminate the family tree, and I do not wish to do so in my lifetime. I do not wish to hear of your ‘ideals’ again, as they are scaring your brother. Imagine how he must feel, to know his own blood chooses a lifestyle that may never produce an heir. How disgustingly foul. If you do not wish to stop voicing these reckless ideas immediately, I am afraid that you will have to be removed from the house of Black, and shielded from weaker family members. Do NOT disappoint me Sirius. _

_ Sincerely, Mother. _

Remus looked over at Sirius, completely dumbfounded. He was lost for words, completely horrified at the contents of the letter, and even more so at how nonchalantly he continued to sit there and smoke, having read that letter directed at him.

“You’re done?” Sirius looked over at Remus, taking the letter from his hands. “Then I suppose you won’t mind if I-” Sirius retrieved his lighter and set the letter alight, watching the flames dance up it, orange fire briefly licking at his fingers before it was too much to bear, and he dropped the paper in the damp grass.

“ _ Sirius… _ ” Remus’ throat was dry, his words sounding strangled. “You…”

Sirius chuckled and nudged Remus’ arm with his shoulder. “Don’t mention it,” He sounded so calm, so unphased by the whole affair. “I’m over it. She sends them, I read them, I burn them, she disowns me… eventually.” Sirius inspected his cigarette, realising it had burned down to the filter and flicked it away. “Trust me, after six years you get used to it.”

Remus didn’t know what was okay to say, he didn’t know what was a safe subject, but at this point he just figured that if Sirius was uncomfortable, he’d say something. So he settled with the first thing that came to mind. “But this is new, these letters. You only started getting them this year.”

“Ah, well, you see,” Sirius was grinning wide, but his eyes were empty. “that’s apparently what happens when you tell your mother that you’ll never be with a woman.”

“I’m so sorry… I can’t even imagine.”

“What? Wanting to snog a bloke?” Sirius joked, a small twinkle reaching his eyes. “Because  _ I _ thought you were into that kind of thing.” Sirius went to take another drink, but Remus held his wrist again. Sirius laughed feebly and dropped the bottle, spilling the small amount left onto the grass near his feet. “There. Happy now?” He choked out, his voice strained suddenly but something gravelly in his throat.

After a second, Sirius buried his face in his hands, and Remus put a hand on his shoulder, which began to gently shake. “Shhh, Padfoot, it’s okay.”

The sound of Remus’ voice only seemed to make Sirius worse. He was sobbing into his hands, crying like a child, his breathing out of control, his chest heaving for air, loud, choked sounds echoing from the back of his throat. He was floppy, and Remus was thankful for that when he pulled Sirius into his arms. Remus smoothed his hair and rocked gently, whispering softly into his ear until his breathing steadied, and Sirius hugged him tightly.

A while later, Sirius pulled back, rubbing his face with the back of his hand to get rid of what was left of his tears. He shifted so he was next to Remus. “Thank you.” He said as he lay his head on Remus’ shoulder.

Although Sirius’ voice was still groggy from crying, there was something in it that brought the smallest of smiles to Remus’ face. He wasn’t sure what it was, but something in it told him that Sirius was back, actually back this time. 

Sirius reached into his pocket and held out two more letters, neither open, but both identical to the ones Remus had seen before. He now realised what the seal must be, the Black family crest. He knew that those letters would be virtually the same as the one he’d read, and hoped that Sirius didn’t have hopes of reading any more of them tonight.

“I’m done.” Sirius sounded resolute, getting out his lighter and burning the unopened, unread letters. “I’m done with her shit. She can’t hurt me anymore. None of them can.”

Remus watched the flames engulf the paper as Sirius dropped them to the ground. He figured the seals must have been spelled somehow, because they didn’t seem at all affected by the heat.

After that, they sat in silence. They watched as the sky began to lighten, both leaning against each other, both by now extremely exhausted. Remus looked down at Sirius, who’s dark brown hair shone almost copper in the light of the sunrise. The slight shift caused by Remus’ movement caused Sirius to look up at him.

Sirius’ eyes widened, his face void of anything but amazement as he stared at Remus’ face. “Re… You’re so beautiful.”

Remus had to look away. He had to remind himself that Sirius was tired, and probably still a little drunk. “Stop it, you don’t mean that.”

“I do.” Sirius said earnestly. He brought his hands up to Remus’ face, making him look back at him again. “Really Remus, you look golden.”

Remus felt his cheeks flush, and the corner of his mouth quirked into a smile. “It’s just the lighting.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Well, yes, but you always look good, this light just makes you  _ extra _ .”

Remus shook his head sleepily. “Stop it Sirius, you’re too much.”

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, am I?”

Remus freed himself from Sirius’ grasp and leaned back against the cold stone. “Stop teasing, it’s not fair.”

“Re, I’m not teasing… Well, I was just then, but I’m not… I mean, you  _ are _ beautiful.”

Sirius was dangerously close now. He had leaned in so far that their noses were almost touching. Remus could smell the cigarettes and the whiskey on Sirius’ breath, but it had never seemed more insignificant. 

“Sirius, this isn’t-” But before he finished his sentence, Sirius’ lips were on his.

It was a sleepy kiss. Not altogether gentle, but soft in the only-half-awake kind of way. It had felt so right, being so close he could  _ taste _ Sirius. Not that the taste was good, but the feeling that filled Remus’ chest made up for it. Sirius smiled when Remus gave into it, and Remus felt it on his mouth.

Sirius pulled away, resting his forehead on Remus’ and whispering. “Well, at least now I have a  _ reason _ for being a disappointment.”

***

Remus woke up with a shadow splaying over him, and Sirius wrapped tightly in his arms. His back ached from being arched against the castle wall for so long, but it was worth it to be like this with Sirius. He looked up and saw a figure looming over them in long maroon robes, expression as stern as he’d ever seen.

He sat up slightly, causing Sirius to wake, groaning slightly, holding Remus tighter, and mumbling something incoherent.

“Pads,” Remus whispered sharply. “wake up.”

Sirius groaned again, louder this time, and shifted slightly. “What is it? I’m tired.”

“Well Mr Black,” Professor McGonagall’s voice rang out, cold and harsh. “maybe you should've thought of that  _ before _ you snuck out here with Mr Lupin in the middle of the night.”

Quick as a flash, Sirius sat bolt upright, eyes wide with shock. “I’m sorry Professor, I didn’t-”

“I convinced him, Professor.” Both Sirius and McGonagall suddenly fixed their gaze upon Remus. “I wanted to sleep under the stars you see, I’m rather fond of astronomy.”

Sirius looked utterly bewildered, but McGonagall raised her eyebrows, looking as if she was about to give them both detention for the rest of the term. Instead, her eyes darted to the floor, where the both broken and unbroken seals of letters lay, then she looked back at Sirius, a calculating look crossing her face.

After a few seconds, she seemed to have come to a conclusion, or maybe a decision. “Ten points from Gryffindor,” Her tone was sharp, but Remus could’ve sworn the look in her eye was almost gentle. “and I’m removing mail privileges for the rest of the year for you Mr Black. Any personal mail you receive will be confiscated before it reaches you, so I suggest you take today to inform whoever you need to of this fact.” 

As McGonagall walked away, both boys looked at each other, slightly shocked at what had just happened.

“I thought she was gonna go mental.” Sirius exhaled, once she was out of earshot.

“Yeah, me too.” Remus said with a smile, as Sirius leaned back into him, nuzzling into Remus’ jumper.


End file.
